


Counting Breaths

by dryswallow



Category: Nabari no Ou
Genre: Cuddling, Established Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-12
Updated: 2013-03-12
Packaged: 2017-12-05 03:19:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/718272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dryswallow/pseuds/dryswallow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A map of possibilities opens up in his mind, of routes he could take, of words he could choose to shift attention away from the mess that he is or to pull Gau even closer, letting a little more of himself spill out onto their bedsheets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Counting Breaths

**Author's Note:**

> takes place several months after manga canon and assumes raikou and gau have entered a romantic/sexual relationship since then.

He can’t breathe; his lungs are filled with smoke, with flakes of wet ash that stick and cling no matter how hard he tries to cough them out. They leave behind a bitterness on his tongue and a searing in his throat. The smell of it all makes him want to be sick.

Desperate for air, he pushes himself away from the stuffy heat of blankets and pillows until he’s sitting upright in a place entirely different from the one he was in before. One of his arms strikes the wall in his disorientation but the pain doesn’t register as sharply as it should, or as he wishes it did. The burn of his flesh is dimming now too, but continues its throbbing even as his throat begins to clear. His lungs gather air in short quick gasps.

It’s not until there is a stirring beside him that he remembers he is not alone in this bed.

“Raikou-san?”

Gau.

A map of possibilities opens up in his mind, of routes he could take, of words he could choose to shift attention away from the mess that he is or to pull Gau even closer, letting a little more of himself spill out onto their bedsheets.

I didn’t mean to wake you.

In another situation he would be able to put on a smile that established a carefully guarded distance between them; he would be able to laugh this off as nothing important. But that’s not an option at the moment, not when he can’t even lift his head to look Gau in the eye.

Come here, please.

Gau has seen him like this before, and worse, Raikou knows that and still he can’t shake the guilt that swells up inside of him, that pulls the muscles of his throat tight again. Gau shouldn’t be the one who is always cleaning this up. He already does far too much, and tries to take on even more.

You should go back to sleep, I’m fine.

When Raikou opens his mouth to speak, there is nothing.

The indistinct shapes of Gau’s body shift in the darkness, moving first to the bedside to switch on a lamp before settling cross-legged in front of him on the bed. Gau’s motions seem careful but he does not hesitate.

“Can I- is it okay if I touch you?” Raikou hears him ask.

All Raikou can manage is a nod, and he hopes Gau will be able to understand.

A moment passes and then there are hands resting on his forearms, holding him steady. He relaxes into the touch, leaning forward to increase the pressure of Gau’s skin against his.

“Do you think you can breathe with me?”

Again, he nods. Gau slides his fingers down to take Raikou’s hands into his own.

“Let’s inhale,” Gau says quietly, and counts: “One, two, three, four. Exhale.”  
Raikou tries to centre himself on the steadiness of Gau’s voice as it repeats the pattern, inhaling, exhaling, forcing himself to adopt its slower rhythm. His body is coming back into focus now. Inside of his ribcage his lungs are beginning to expand again, suddenly realizing the spaces they occupy.

He keeps his eyes open as they breathe together, staring at the dark shadows cast by the sheets bunched around his legs and at the paleness of their clasped hands. Real things. These are the things he has now.

By the time he can breathe steadily again, a heaviness has settled into his limbs and his skin feels cold where Gau isn’t touching him.

“Should I go put on the kettle for tea?”

One of Gau’s hands has moved to Raikou’s head, stroking his bedhead back into place and tucking stray hair behind his ears.

“Mm, no, it’s fine,” he says, raising his head. “Thank you, Gau.”

Gau smiles, then leans forward so he can lay a kiss against Raikou’s forehead.

“I love you,” Gau tells him, face set with seriousness.

Each time he says so, it’s a little less difficult for Raikou to hear it. Fear and guilt are gradually being superseded by the sweetness of comfort and relief; he can feel them a little more clearly with each breath, their presence manifest in his chest, his shoulders, the muscles of his neck.

“Come here,” Raikou says, reaching forward to take Gau into his arms. Once he has Gau pulled tightly to him he leans backwards until they’re falling onto the bed together. Gau’s arms are flailing at his sides, trying to find some manner of steadiness.

“Raikou-san?!”

“I love you too,” he says once they’ve landed, kissing Gau’s temple. “We should sleep. You have school in the morning, right?”

“I do, but-”

“So we should sleep. We can talk more in the morning.” Raikou reaches out to the side until he’s able to switch off their lamp. Gau’s weight is shifting again, finally settling with his head and arm on Raikou’s chest, the rest of him stretched out along the length of Raikou’s side.

“Is this comfortable?” Raikou asks.

“It’s fine,” Gau says, and pulls at the blanket until it covers them both. “But I’m not going to forget you said we could talk tomorrow.”

Raikou shushes Gau by pressing another kiss against his dark hair. He can feel the warmth of Gau’s body at his side, the rise and fall of Gau’s chest as he breathes; all of these things seem constant and permanent, and reliable enough that he can drift back to sleep believing that they will be there for him in the morning.


End file.
